Mihalis is the fun one?
He is.
 
Do you think it's healthy to endorse multiple personalities?
Sure it is.  Let's not pretend we don't do it all the time.  We have screen names, don't we?  And nicknames, too.  I must have twenty different nicknames. I would only be psychotic if the personalities talked to each other, or were in conflict, or if I didn't know about them.  But I'm aware that it's crazy, that's why it's not crazy.
 
What are some of your nicknames?
Over the years I've been called Professor, Mujajo, Moose, Governor, Mayor, Puma, El Greco, Slowhand, Maodis, Goof, and that's just the ones off the top of my head. They all refer to different qualities of mine.
 
What does Slowhand refer to, sounds kind of perverted.
Actually, it refers to my card-playing tendencies.  I tend to take a long time deciding what card to throw out during Gin Rummy.  It pisses off my sisters.
 
And Maodis, is that an aboriginal god or something?
Actually, it's an acronym sort of for Master of Disaster. It comes from Rocky IV, when Apollo Creed is going to fight Ivan Drago, and Creed enters the ring dressed like Uncle Sam, and dancing around, and calling himself the Master of Disaster. Of course, it took Drago all of ten seconds to kill him with his bare hands.

So, it's a tongue in cheek nickname?
That's where tongues belong.
 
Interesting...are you gay?
Whoa, that came out of nowhere. I don't know if I'm gay or not, but I have never had sex with a man, by any interpretation of the word sex.  I did kiss one once during a soccer match. I was playing goalkeeper and he was a forward on the other team and we both went after the same ball (no pun intended, OK, maybe a little pun intended) and our heads knocked into each other, and our lips sort of touched. It was a solid kiss. Like the kind of kiss I would look forward to planting on a girl I like. If I thought about it in advance I would have gotten nervous. But then again, it was a weird moment, but honestly, I can't say it was particularly disgusting. So, there you go. (Random trivia: Albert Camus was a professional goalkeeper in Algeria.)
 
If you're not so much gay, are you married?
No. I would say my current status is "eligible". Whatever that means.
 
Is that your way of saying you have issues with intimacy?
I wouldn't say I have "issues", per se. I would say I haven't met the right person in the right situation yet. I’m sort of married already. Married to Science. She’s a great girl.
 
Is that what you tell yourself to help you sleep at night?
I tell myself a lot of things at night.
 
Where do you sleep at night?
I sleep on the floor. Beds were invented by the devil.
 
Does not having a bed cause issues with overnight guests?
Let’s just say, they don't come over for the mattress.
 
Are you allowed to print that?
It's my website and it's a free country.
 
Are you originally from America?
I was born in Brooklyn, grew up in Queens, and lived in Stony Brook for five years. Of the three, Brooklyn is the biggest, Astoria has the best food, and Stony Brook is the closest approximation to hell.  That is, if hell was the most boring place on Earth that pretended it was close to New York City, because you only need one train ride to get there. Yeah, a two-hour train ride. You know what’s a two-hour train ride from New York? Hartford Fucking Connecticut. Anyway, I loved it at Stony Brook though. I don’t know what that says about me.
 
But you're well traveled.
I've lived in Spain for four months, in a small town called Burgos. It rained every day. I like that. I like the rain. I like the idea that I can wake up in the morning and God already said, I hate you. And I like the idea that there is no pressure from this big, stupid, happy sun to go out there and enjoy the day.

That being said, where have you been that does have a sun?
I've been to Tanzania for a month. France for a month. India for three weeks. Thailand for two weeks.  I've been to my father's native Cyprus for many summers, and I've visited London, Amsterdam, Antwerp, Cairo (for the pyramids), and I think that's it.
 
Have you been to Paris?
I've been to Paris on two separate occasions. 
 
Was it romantic?
It was. I guess the company made it romantic. I personally think, despite the fact that this statement will ruin my social life, that the Eiffel Tower is a piece of shit. But I must say, Versailles is simply phenomenal. That should be the real romantic destination of The City of Lights. I like Notre Dame, too. I like gargoyles.  Very cool and marauding.
 
In that vein, do you like pirates?
All men love pirates.  Any man that does not love pirates is lying so his feminist girlfriend won't get mad at him. I think. That's probably a very uninformed position. If I were you, I would kill me. No, stop.  That's an uninformed opinion too.  See, I'm full of them.
 
How about more informed opinions—what is your position on euthanasia?
I think all suicide is a mercy kill.
 
Why?
Because life is suffering.
 
Why would you say that?
I didn't say that.  The Buddha said that. It was the first of his four noble truths.
 
Why would you repeat the Buddha?
Because he's right.
 
But why would you then misrepresent the Buddha? You know full well that the Buddha believed that there was a way to escape the suffering of life. That was the point of the noble truths in the first place. 
Because the Buddha said that the cause of suffering was desire. That was the second noble truth.  And I don't want to live my life without desire.  In fact, I want to live my life with as much desire as possible. I want to want.  I want to want the touch of a girl's hair, the taste of her neck, the softness of her skin.  I want to want a better world.  I want to want more preserved environments and less pollution and a more perfect union.  I want to want a government of the people, by the people, and for the people.
 
You're doing it again.  How about what Buddha said about ending ill will and ignorance as a means of ending suffering.  And you misquoted the second noble truth.  It's about attachment, not desire.
Desire is my interpretation of attachment. And it doesn't matter anyway because the path to the end of suffering sometimes takes many lifetimes, and we're not talking about many lifetimes here, we're talking about one.  And besides, this whole middle ground between self-indulgence and self-mortification is silly. I can't live like that. I have to live at the two extremes—it's the duality of man!
 
I have to be a killer and a saint; the whore and the madonna; the cad and the father; the bastard and the nice guy. I have to be at the extremes.  I have to be un-average at all times.
 
Of course I believe in decreasing ignorance, but if you think that I have less ill will to bastards that are destroying my planet, then you've got another thing coming. My life has to be suffering, because I can't accept the world the way it is, because I can't choose my personal salvation over taking arms against a sea of trouble.
 
Do you even know anything about Buddhism?
My best friend is a Buddhist.  She is getting married, and asked me to preside over the ceremony, so I became a Reverend.
 
Isn't that ironic?
No, it's just funny.
 
So you're really a Reverend?
I am. Besides marriages, I can do baptisms too. I baptize my cousin at the beach all the time. She loves it. And I can give eulogies. I'm really good at eulogies. Remember, I believe in death.
 
Why did you go to college?
Because I didn't have the balls to kill myself.
 
Do you regret that decision?
No.
 
Why not?
Because I don’t want to make my sisters sad.
 
What about the rest of your family?
Yeah, them too.
 
Do you have a favorite sister?
I love them all equally in completely different ways.  But Anastasia I owe the most to, if that makes any sense.
 
Whatever gets you through the night?
Thanks. We seem to be developing a theme.
 
On a scale of one to ten, one being a oil-guzzling, polluting, cross-cutting, forest slashing mother effer, and ten being the chick that lived in the Redwood tree for a year to prevent it being cut down, where do you lie on the environmental continuum?
I'm an eleven.
 
You can't be an eleven, that's unpossible.
Well, I'm up there. I don't eat that much granola, but I come up with lots of ideas. You'll see.

I'm looking forward to it.
Not as much as I am.
 
Did you always think you were going to be a writer?
I don't really consider myself a "writer".  Obviously, I write a lot.  But I sort of consider myself a human being, and then a humanist, and then an activist, and I write because of all these things, not in honor of writing itself.

No art for art's sake?
I love art for art's sake, but I'm not necessarily just a writer for writing's sake, though I do really appreciate the craft, and the art, and the medium, and the discipline. But ask me who are the best contemporary writers and I will say without blinking an eye, that you have to put Baseball Prospectus at the top of the list. They understand what it means to be both an analyst, and be true to the scientific method, and what it means to be a writer, and be true to the quality of eloquence.
 
Quality of eloquence, did you make that up yourself?
If I did, please don't give me credit for it.
 
A writer that doesn't take credit for what he says?
I don't take credit for anything that sounds stupid in retrospect.
 
Fair enough. Stupidest thing you've ever heard?
You kids are spoiled.
 
Why do you say that?
Because kids aren't spoiled.  Adults are spoiled. They are used to so much more luxury than are kids.  When I was putting myself through school I lived in a house with ten other people.  There was this Asian girl that used to live in my living room.  We hung a curtain from the ceiling to give her a little privacy.
 
She was like a house cat.  The girl slept all the time.  I would have to wake her up to take her to class or she would get mad at me. And that's what she did just to survive.  Imagine an adult living like that.  No way.  Adults are used to too much comfort. They're the spoiled ones.
 
So the statement is stupid because it's wrong?
It's ignorant because it's wrong; it's stupid because it's hypocritical.
 
You seem to have something against old people.
I love old people. I respect them, and think there is a lot to learn from them.  I have a problem with old people that don't respect me, or the rest of my peers. And why should I respect these jerks? I don't respect people that don't respect me. Is that fair?
 
What do you propose doing? Punch them all in the mouth?
For starters.
 
All right, cowboy. If you could be any fictional character in any movie, who would you be?
Lawrence of Arabia. All-time favorite.

OK, I meant someone that people your age would actually know about, Mr. I-Speak-For-My-Generation-Which-Is-So-Cool-And-Important-So-You-Better-Respect-Us.
In that case, definitely Ferris Buehler.  He was an urban, modern, pirate. What a hero.
 
But pirates aren't heroes.
To you they're not.
 
Do you consider yourself a hero?
I hope not. Not a real hero anyway. Maybe an anti-hero. No, that's not a good fit either.
 
You're going to have to explain that.
OK, it all goes back to the fifth season finale of Buffy. So these demons are trying to open up a gate to hell and are using Buffy's little sister Dawn's blood to do it. She's the key.  That's the whole point of her being on the show.
 
That she's the key to hell?
Right. I know, I should say something that it's interesting that women always hold the keys to hell, but let's not get all religious, sublime over here.  We're talking about heroes. And we're talking about very fictional television.
 
No, we're talking about why you're not a hero.
Right, it's because Buffy ends up fighting this demon that has been harassing her and threatening her sister. Now, the demon can switch into human form, and while it's in human form it's mortal. So Buffy ends up breaking its neck or something, and now it's lying on the ground in front of her. Neck broken, can't move.  And Buffy leans in to kill her, but she can't because the demon is helpless, and even though Buffy kills supernatural creatures all the time, she can't kill it this time, because she has mercy on it.
 
And you are Buffy and this proves Buffy is not a hero?
No, I'm not Buffy. You see, right after Buffy leaves her, this guy Giles, who is in charge of her—he's the Yoda to her Luke, the Mr. Miagi to her Karate Kid, you know, the wise, trainer, and all that—and he sees the demon and sees Buffy leave it, and he walks over to the demon and says, along the lines of, "I know that you're going to recover and one day you are going to kill Buffy, and I also know that Buffy can't hurt you.  She can't kill you because Buffy is a hero.  But I'm not." And then Giles suffocates and kills the demon.
 
You see, Giles wasn't a hero, so he could do what had to be done.  But the hero, Buffy, she had to be first and foremost a pure person.
 
And you're not a hero, because you're not pure?
I'm not pure and I don't intend on becoming pure. There are environmentalists out there that believe change comes first and foremost from within—they are like Buffy, the hero.  But I'm not. I would do what I believe is personally wrong—as Giles felt it was wrong to kill—in order to do what had to be done.
 
You put aside what is good for in order to benefit the whole, like Mr. Spock.
Let's not get all melodramatic about self-sacrifice here. I just mean that if you need someone without morals to do very ethical acts, then I'm your man, and that man is not a hero. He is anything but a hero, but that is who I am.
 
So there should be more people like you out there?
I don't know if there should be more or less, but there should be people like Giles out there. And people like Buffy.  And people like their friends, who help them in different ways. There should be a variety.  
 
What I'm saying is I am out there, and this is who I am, and I believe that I am needed to be that person.
 
By Buffy?
By the people who have to be Buffy.
 
That's very symbiotic of you.
People need people.
 
Don't people need themselves?
OK, you want a bumper sticker, is that what you're bothering me for?  How about: "Be yourself, but be no island." I'll print them up myself.
 
I like it.  Speaking of islands, if you were stuck on a desert island and could only bring one book with you, what would it be?
I am assuming I can't bring The All Encompassing Guide of How to Survive a Desert Island, Including 101 Clever Ways to Get Rescued by Captain Jack Sparrow.
 
No, you cannot. Besides, fictional characters do not write real books.
In that case, I would bring Life of Pi by Yann Martel.
 
I have to ask you why.
You don't have to do anything.
 
Fine, I choose to ask you why?
Because it is the book one would need to survive a desert island, or rather, it is the book one would need to prepare one's soul to survive a desert island. You see, it's about this boy that gets stuck on a lifeboat with a Bengal tiger. He's in the middle of the Pacific.  Just him and the tiger.  And he survives the experience by getting in touch with God.
 
So it's a religious book.
Not in the way most people would use the word religion.
 
I thought you said he finds God.
He does, but he doesn't find the God that is living out there.  He finds the God that is living here. [Michael points to his heart.]
 
In your heart.
[Michael points to his head.]
 
In your head.
[Michael points to his genitals.]
 
In your balls.
[Michael spreads his arms outwards and takes a deep breath.]
 
In your...um...oh...in your soul.
In all of these things. Pi, the boy stuck on the raft, doesn't pray to God to help him, he prays to himself to create a God that will help him. If I were on that desert island, I would need a God that lived not in the stars, but within myself.
 
And does this God exist?
He or she or it exists wherever we want it to exist.
 
Do you believe in an afterlife?
I believe that after my life, life will go on. Unless, of course, we destroy our planet. Then, life would probably end.