I opened my facebook account in the spring of '05, halfway through my graduate studies at Stony Brook University.
By definition, I had better things to do, but the promise of spying on my fellow classmates proved too tempting to pass up.
Spying gradually matured to "interaction," and interaction grew into social networking, so I can now confidently say that I use facebook almost exclusively to "network," in a social way.
Unless I have reasons to spy on you, like I hate your guts, or your friends are hot, and in that case, I reserve the right to continue to do just that.
That being said, anyone who would want to spy on me--and there are many people who hate me, and some of my friends are kind of hot--would see that I list myself as married.
But am I married?
For the record, I am not, of course, married.
Not by the state of New York, and not by God.*
You see, I'm married on facebook, because when I opened my account, that was my idea of a joke.
Not a good joke, mind you. But a tongue-in-cheek barb to the use of social networking sites to do not-so-social "networking," if you know what I mean.
Three years ago, when I listed my relationship status as married, the idea was patently absurd. People did find it funny.**
"Oh, you're not married," they said.
And I said, "Yes I am. I'm married to YOU."
Again, not a very good joke, mind you, but it's the one I used.
At the time I was too young and poor and ambitious to be married. Not to mention, I wasn't exactly the serious type.
No, all in all, marriage was not on the books.
Sands, Hour Glasses, You Know the Deal
Since then some of my best friends in the world have either been married, or are now engaged, or are talking about getting engaged, or are talking about lifelong monogamy with another human being.
These friends now list themselves as "Married" on facebook, and if someone would just come across their profile at random, they'd probably think, rightfully, that they're actually married.
That they've grown up without you even realizing it. That they're adults now with rings and joint back accounts and discussions about what to name the kids.
So you see, while back in the day to list myself as married would be a sarcastic snide, now I'm just a liar.
Not that I have a problem with that, I just want it to be on the record. I'm one of those liars that points out that he's lying. It's very big of me.
Like a Horse and Something Besides a Carriage
And no, I'm still not married, but because my facebook profile still lists me as married, I now get questions along the line of: "Oh my god, when did you get married?"
I want to write back, "I got married three years ago, when I opened my facebook account so I could spy on you."
But now I usually just admit that I put down lying as a joke, and not a particularly good joke, and now that the joke is closer and closer to becoming a reality, not really a joke at all.
I've lost the bigness of the lie. The absurd idea that this can't possibly be true. And now it's just a lie like any other someone would tell on the internet.
Except, it's the one lie you'd probably tell that won't help you get laid.
Not in most places at least. But the internet is a big place. And it's full of weird people. And you never know what their story is about. Unless, of course, you spy on them.
Which is what I would do, with a site like this. I'd check to see their relationship status, because I wonder, and you never know, just who might have grown up without me noticing.
*You know, I might be married in Tanzania to a couple of village ladies, but if it came up in court I could probably win an annulment, so I'm going to cross that one off the list too. Write it off to youthful exuberance, the disparity between national wealth, and a language barrier.
**Yes, more than one person laughed. Hence, it's technically correct to say "some people found it funny." |
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