When I was twelve years-old I had the honor and luck to be admitted to the greatest high school in the history of the planet Earth, Hunter College High School.

 

It was at this elite institution that I developed my strong passion and marketable talent for: sleeping late; disrespecting authority; reading books while other people are talking to me; and having crushes on Asian females.

It was there also that I became morbidly depressed, was suspended during the infamous Principal Witnessing Mike's Lack of Pants incident, and graduated by lying about my community service requirement.

 

I also stole my diploma.

 

That’s right, they didn’t want to give it to me, so I stole it. 

 

I know what you’re thinking: Mike, you might not have graduated high school.

 

You’re right.

 

I might not have.

 

Then again, it’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove.

 

This confession will never stand up in a court of law.  

 

 

The Path I Did Not Take: Fake-Musician vs. Manual Laborer
In retrospect, I have been asked by my little sister, Mahalolic, to consider the consequences if I would have attended the high school of choice of real delinquents, and of my fellow young Greek males of Astoria, L.I.C.

Since L.I.C. was opened in 1998 until the present, every single Greek male has dropped out in order to become one of two things: 1. A Disc-Jockey, or 2. A Construction Worker.

This is fact.

No, really, it is.

Therefore, the great debate, assuming that my current employment as a Starving Artist is superior to either one of these: Would Michael be better off as a DJ or Construction Worker?

I prepare this debate without ever actually having worked anything remotely like either profession -- I have no musical talent nor do I have a particular liking to pouring cement. I realize the main thing these two jobs have in common is that in either one I would get to practice my Spanish a lot.

Women -- I would think that DJ wins this one hands down, because not only does he spend more working time around girls, he also spends more working time around DRUNK girls that he plays music for. Obviously, the construction worker has the sort of super-macho sex appeal many women adore in large African apes, but that pungent odor that stings the nostrils is just not around that many women to overcome the DJ's constant supply. This one is a no-brainer.
Advantage: DJ

Money -- This is a little known fact but construction workers that speak English and have valid U.S. passports make a fortune. No joke. I know this because they are always pulling out wads of cash from their spackle stained blue jeans. DJ's make pretty decent money themselves, but only when they get work. There is a much higher variance in the job cycle, because, unlike in construction, talent sort of matters. Unless your dad owns the night club. Then you get to drive him out of business every week.
Advantage: Construction Worker

Boozing -- I would have given this one hands down to the DJ too, except it turns out they're not allowed to drink on the job. Fortunately, men who balance themselves from tall heights during chilly winds are allowed. Nothing like enjoying a cold brew during a well deserved lunch break. Unless, of course, you're doing body shots off a cocktail waitress.
Advantage: Even

Indelible Impact on Humanity -- OK, maybe sometimes DJ's can get political. Problem is, no one is listening. They can definitely do more though in the fund-raising department, though I am not particularly fond of random fundraisers. It's like trying to stop a river of bad by throwing a couple of sticks in the mud -- it might eventually work, but there's got to be a better way.
Advantage: DJ

Respect -- The construction worker is a man's man with hard manual labor and the picking up of heavy objects and the violent swinging of clubs and lots of grunting. The DJ is an overglorified pansy who pushes a button to play other people's music. Basically, all a DJ says is I Have Good Taste. Is there any other component to the job?
Advantage: Construction Worker

Intangibles -- The DJ gets to work nights and listen to, presumably because you're picking it, really good music. The construction worker gets up at the butt crack of dawn to sweat under the hot sun all day. The DJ has to wear gay trendy club outfits, while the construction worker wears the sexiest clothes known to man: T-shirt and jeans. The DJ's equipment is a vinyl record and a spin table. The construction worker gets power tools.
Advantage: Even

I could take the winners of each category, weigh them by an arbitrary coefficient, then declare a winner. But we all know, that there are no winners in this debate. All these poor young Greek males, they are losers. Big ones. Yes, if you are proud of yourself for dropping out of high school and hanging out with 'your boys' and 'counting how many heads' were out last night, before you spent three hours discussing who's cousin went to school with who's cousin, I am talking to you.

I am a nerd, so I know I'm not cool. However you, my friend, are in need of a mirror.